My crazy, yet very boring life


the mom from Indiana

I was just over on Barngoddess page (If I knew how to put a link up I would)  Anyways I was reading about the Indiana mom who’s 3 yo son got down from a second story apt. and ended up 20 yards from the Highway. 

My personal thoughts on this is complicated to say the least.  There are a lot of parents out there and automatically condem her for being a bad mom and if I had read this 2 years ago I would have been one of them.  But until someone has gone through Depression and tramatic changes in their life they would never understand how something like this can happen.

I had my youngest son Caleb 2 years ago in Oct.

caleb-crawling.JPG Less then two months later at the age of 25 I had a total Hysterectomy a week later was Christmas I was sleeping on the couch because the stitches in my stomache was still sore. I couldn’t even hold my newborn son for a month.  When I was finally released to go back to work the next Feb.  My work was concerned that I wouldn’t be able to handle to work since my DR. put lifting restrictions on me so after concindering this for a while on April 1st one of the managers at work and also a dear family friend showed up at my front door and told my don’t bother getting ready they had pulled me out of service until further notice.  so that means I was out of a job a new baby at home and already on antidepressants and antianxeity pills from PPD and my surgery.  My world crumbled around me it felt like someone just came up and took all my bones out of my body.

Around the end of April I got a call from my mom and was told that the manager’s wife Linda my mom’s bestfriend had Lung cancer. She was only 44 when she passed away 5 weeks after being diagnosed she never smoked a cig in her life yet she was taken that same painfull way.  By that time I was far gone.  All I did was eat and sleep the pills weren’t helping.  About a month after Linda passed I was talking on the phone to my mom about all the shit that was happining or already happened when I had the worst pain I ever felt in my chest I thought I was having a heart attack and was going to die with my kids crying around me while I layed in the fetal position on the entryway floor.  When my husband Chris made it home he tool me to the hospital and they told me I had a acute Panic attack.  I was put on more pills and went to therapy sessions. I am still learning to deal with the pressure especially now that I’m off work again and my sickness benifits just ran out.

During the time I was going through my depression I did things that I am not proud of things I thought I was capable of doing.  I would yell at my kids just for spilling their milk, I woudl spank their butts for annoying me, I also would sleep while they were up playing. Once my second child Grayson grayson4.JPGWoke up before I did and decided that he wanted to play outside instead of waking me up he got a chair and climbed on a bookshelf to take the chain off the door.  he made his way outside with Caleb who was about 1 at the time and ended up in the dirt road infront of my house. we live on a little dirt road with about 10 trailors around us with a cattle field at the end of the road. anyways my neighbor Jeremy seen them and brought them to the house to make sure I knew they were out there he found me asleep in my bed dead to the world.  Not my proudest moment. Thank GOD he knew the stress I’ve been under and understood.  This was right before I went to the therapist.  I told her what happened and she just looked at me and said That she has never heard of a child that hasn’t snuck out of the house when the parents were sleeping. that is happens more times then you think.

I remember when I was a kid not even in school and my mom went downstairs to do some laundry and I decided that I wanted to swing from the banaster so I wrapped the curtins cord around my neck a couple times and swung over the side, By the time my mom made it upstairs I was blue in the face and 6 rope burns around my neck. Also I decided that I wanted to be a electrian and took a bread twist tie and stuck it in a wall outlet I had burns all over my hand.  Another time when my mom was taking a nap and my dad was supposed to be watching me and fell asleep on the couch I tried to shave my chin like my dad and took off half my skin with the blade.  There was blood everywhere.  There was also a time that when I was 6 my sister’s were 7 and 9 and my little brother was only 2 were playing with our friends in the cul-de-sac that we lived in and my dad went inside to get a drink.  It was during the summer and was a nice warm day so my dad left Lucas my brother in his diaper. Well these stuck up neighbors thought that wasn’t right so they called the cops. You know what the cops said. The neighbors needed to mind their own business. we weren’t beat up none of us had broken bones, black eyes or crying to them to save us from our parents.  infact we begged them to leave our dad alone. I might have not have been the easiest kid to take care of but I’m alive and I love my parents then most.  I know that they couldn’t be stuck to my side every second of the day. 

Now as for the poo on the wall. I can’t tell how many times I have left the room to come back and see that one of the kids have undressed themselves and taken off the diaper they were wearing and smeared the poo all over them and the walls let alone in theirmouths.  Payton once tried to change Graysons diaper and it ended up looking like a diaper bomb had went off in the bedroom.

I am not condoning her for what she did but I do understand that sometimes things happen and times get tuff to handle things on your own. I read that she just moved from FL to IN and the son was autistic she just ended a bad marriage but the dad was going to come up to help her out because she said she was getting depressed.  I have yet to find one parent let a lone a mom that hasn’t lost, fallen asleep or just plan forgot about their kid and something not happining.  Hell my mom and dad lost me in the KC mall  and ended up at one of those booths were they annouced that there was a missing girl they had.  I remeber that two old woman tried to tell the people I was their granddaughter.  Did I deserve to be taken away from my parents no. Do I think this lady needs to have her kids taken away NO! Think of me what you will but I know who devious children can be even small ones and if they took away kids away from their parents everytime something happend or the kid wonders off  I would say about 90% of us would loose custody of our kids by the time they reached 5.  I would have to say if you are one of those people that automatically think she is the scum of the earth take a long hard look and think back and see if at anytime you, your mom or sister hasn’t done the same thing she’s done.  Also just in my opinion her being asleep has no bearing on anything.  If the kid wanted out he would have gotten out even if she was a wake all he had to do was wait till she was taking a quick shower or changing out the laundry to make his move. either way awake or asleep he still would have been 20 yards from the highway.  the only diffence would have been if she was awake people would looked at it as a OMG moment on how lucky she was nothing happend to him and been called a close call.  and people would have looked at her with sympothy.  I believe the story get told the way the press wants to tell it.  I guess I’m to of a forgiving person but when something like this happens I know that not everyone is perfect and mistakes happen but you shouldn’t be harshly punished for something that happens to every mom at one point or time. I will even include the teenage runaways they are old enought to know better but somehow the parents failed to keep their kids in the house and most of the time the parents are sleeping shouldn’t they be punished for not keeping and eye on their own kid. People seem to think that just becuase a teenager can walk and talk and think for themselves the parents shouldn’t have to acount for them I say bullshit.  They are still required to take care of the kid under the law!!

Wow I didn’t mean to make this so long but I guess I just felt a certain way and wanted to get my point across.. As I said this is my opinion not what everyone should feel.  Some of you might also feel that my mom wasn’t the best mom but none of her four kids have ever been arressted. hooked on drugs, sold ourselves for money or become a total deginerate. You might also feel that I have failed as a mom but would my kids look this happy if they weren’t loved and loving Chris and I back


I’m a Rock Star Now!!

Well for christmas my parents got me a cell phone, a cd, a Ann Rule book and Guitar Heros II. It was the best christmas ever for me. As you can see from my profile pic that is my baby “Mephisto” I’ve been busy workin on the songs. I have managed to get a 100% on most of the ones on easy and pretty damn close on medium. I’ve tried “hard” and failed badly and “expert” I think I lasted about 10 seconds. But I will try and try again till I become the Guitar hero I was destined to be. I’m hopeing by the summer of 2007 I will be able to start a tour. First I need to master the songs then find someone to give me money so I can leave work and still pay the bills. So look out world soon Diana’s PS2 band will be coming to your city. Look for the shows and times at your local ticket office! On lead Guitar yours truley on second Guitar will be Stacy On lead bass will be Michell on second bass will be Lucas


my favorite 8

I thought what the hell I would tag myself from the Barngoddess.  I will now share with you my favorite 8 memories.

 1.  August 2003 my sister won K.D. Lang tickets from the winery she works at.  The concert was in Seattle about 5 hours from where I live.  So my mom, sister Stacy and I left at about 7 in the morning I had just worked a midnight shift and tried to sleep on the way.  We stopped off at a casino on the way and the first dollar my mom put in she won $1,000 so we left and went the rest of the way.  I hadn’t eaten anything all day and when we went to the concert Stacy and I finished off 2 bottles of wine and I got pretty tipsy.  The next day we went to the experience music project (history of music museum) and ate lunch at the top of the space needle.  That was the best 48 hours of my life!

2. Well I went with my sister lastnight to her company christmas party (the one that works at he winery) That was the best company party I’ve ever been to.  We got all dressed up they had a really good buffet bar. the door prizes where awesome (35 in flatscreen plasma TV, a dell Laptop, a digital video camera, a kodak easy share camera, two round trip ticket to any where in the the US and bottles of wine with anywhere to $100-$250 cash plus a gift certificate to resturants or stores)  after that they had a DJ that started at 9, we left at 12:30 and there was still about 75 people there dancing.  Plus they had a photographer there and Stacy and I took a cool pic ( I might put it up if I can figure out how later)  that was my most recent favorite.

 3.  The first time I met Chris, I was 19 and he was 27.  We had been talking on the computer for about 4 months before we finally met and I was so nervous.  An old friend of mine, well I went to school with him and he came over to help my dad with the computer and when my mom told I was going a date he said he wanted to do my make-up (yes he was gay I mean like flaming!) I ended up looking like a two cent whore.  But when my mom dropped me off at the movies (yes I was a loser and didn’t get my driver’s liscense till I was 21) Jeff (yes he also came) seen Chris and turned to me and said “Honey if you don’t want him, send him my way!” To this day when Chris pisses my off I tell him I’m going to go get Jeff. He behaves after that.

4.  The first time I seen Mark!

5. anytime me and susie got together and made a homevideo or just messed around to many to say.

6. My wedding day.  I was 7 mo preggers and we were getting married at the court house and all we had was a camaro.  Chris drove my mom was in the passanger seat with Khristan sitting infront of her on the floor, I was in the back with Alec sitting on my lap, Lucas was next to me and Alycia next to him (It only had two bucket seats in the back) and Lance laid acroos the top of us. I know totally illegeal, Plus we pulled up to the police station/court house like that.  My mom was my maid of honor and my brother Lucas was supposed to be the best man but he was only 17 and not old enough to sign. so the judge called his granddaughters boyfriend to come down to do the honors.  Eric Micheal Diaz was his name and he did a awesome job.

7.  Spending a whole week with my grandma when I was 7.  Two weeks later she passed away, but I still remember staying with her. she taught me how to play poker and gave me all the candy I wanted.

8. out of all my kids birth’s Grayson’s was the funest, I had chris. Lucas, mom, stacy and two of Lucas’s friends (mat and Janine) in the room at 3 in the morning when Grayson was born and we had the coolest room on the floor!!

I know some of them were long but once you get me started talking about stuff like this I have to tell you everything.  If we were in person each of these memories could be a hour conversation! and I would make you listen!


Well no shit

Well I had my Dr. knee appt today.  My hubby came with me to help stress that we need to get this fixed. 

Let me recap really quick for those who don’t know.  In Aug. at work (Union Pacific RailRoad) I fell of a locomotive. I know not one of my most gracefull moments,  but when I fell my knee decided that it didn’t want to take the impact and popped out of joint resulting in a torn MCL ligament,  a detacted knee cap and a detacted muniscus (the padding on the back of the knee to keep it from hyperextending) also a major back spasm.  I’ve been off work since. 

 I’ve been doing Physical Therapy for 2 months now and my knee is not getting any better.  Well the Dr put me back on the knee brace and is also refering me to another knee Dr and back Dr.  The knee Dr is to confirm that Iwill need surgery which we all thougt in the first place since my knee is swollen 90% of the time and I can’t walk longer then 45 min before I have to stop.  and the back Dr he is sending me too is supposed to be the best in the western states all he does is back’s. 

So it looks like I will be off for another couple months and that sucks because I just found out today that the secondary insurance that I have has decided to deny my appels to get payed no I have to get a lawyer which by that time we will be homeless and carless.  Merry Christmas!!


I’ve been Tagged

well the Barn goddess over at the Res has tagged me and now I have to tell you all 6 things that are weird about me.

1.  The only thing I drink from the time I get up till bed is Dr.Pepper.  Maybe that is why I have a hard time sleeping because of all the caffine.  But if I don’t I get major headache’s.  I’m addicted.  do they have a Dr.Pepper annoynomus?

2. I have to count things.  Like if I’m sitting in a room that has tiles on the floor or ceiling I count them.  I go down the row then start at the beggning take one out then keep on counting till I’m done.  I even got in trouble in the 6th grade because the teacher caught me and thought I wan’t paying attention. I also count the four corners of anything square and go down the line till I’m done.

3. When I go into a new room anywhere The first thing I do is make a exit plan on how I would get out if someone was to come in and start shooting.  I actually visualize the attack in my head and revisie if something wouldn’t work from my original plan.

4. I HATE  unneeded noise,  whistling, humming, clicking the tounge or kids talking (okay the last one is only sometimes, at times their woice sounds like nails across a chalkboard) as much as my hubby knows I hate these noise he still whistles and hums.  Serioulsy when I hear these noise it makes my skin crawl.  It hurts my ears and I almost instently get pissed off, my heartheart goes up and I just want to beat the crap out of the person doing it.

5. I have to talk to a family memeber atleast once a day.  Hopefully I get my mom and at times we’ve been known to call each other 6 times in one day.  My hubby actually had to find a telephone company that charges just a falt rate with unlimited long distance.  If I don’t hear from my mom in like two days I think something is wrong and start to get nervous.  yet I can go a week without talking to any of my sister’s or my brother or dad.  My mommy is my life line.

6. I love to have crushes.  I have one right now with a guy at work, he’s a horse trainer but works at the RR just for the insurance. I don’t care as long as I work with him. My sister who also works out there told him about it and now we just tease each other.  my hubby just laughs at me and thinks I’m crazy.  But anyways his name is Mark and is 6’1″ and has a body of  “David” a nice deep voice and a smile that would melt the north pole.  when he wears his wranglers I move slower that day.  Okay I have to stop because I haven’t seen him in like 4 months since I’ve been off work and this is just making me miss him more.  All though I did see him at Wal-Mart across the parking lot and he looked at me it was like in the movies our eyes met for a second then a truck passed in front of us and then he was gone.  

So now I’m off to the looney bin and go to my padded room because I haven’t even started with the really crazy stuff I do.

I will now tag

SUSIE

because she is the only one I know that hasn’t been tagged yet.


newlife

Well today was my sister from another mother’s Birthday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY SUSIE (you will always be susie to me) 

 Well today I was informed that susie’s grandma passed away on thursday.  I’m so sorry for their loss.  I’ve known susie since the 1st grade and we’ve been BFF since.  on the weekends either I was sleeping at her house or she was at mine.  we’ve been through a lot of things together the good and the bad but we never thought once that we should ever give up each other.  I remember going during the summer time to her grandparents house and swimming in the underground pool and thinking they had to be the richest people in the world, and they were they were rich with love.  Her grandma always came out to give us kool-aid or cookies and just watched us swim and smiling the whole time.  you will be missed granma.

as my title says newlife and what I mean by that is that right after I found out that granma passed away I looked at my e-mail and another friend of mine wrote to me to say that she had her baby also on Thursday.  A healthy baby boy Magnus Nikolas 8lbs 8.8ozs and 21 in long.  That has been twice this year for that to happen.  in Oct my uncle Mike passed away from liver Cancer and after I got off the phone with my brother my sister called to say that her sister-in-law (and a good friend of mine) just went into labor.  she had a healthy baby girl Kianna Nicole the next day.  Both times the moms went into labor weeks before they were supposed to and both times they had no sign they were ready to pop early.  So it’s comforting to think that when a loved one is taken away from us they send a happy reminder that there are still things to live and look forward to. 

This post is dedicated to Granma and Uncle Mike you will never be forgotten and will always be loved, see you both on the flip side.


you say it’s your birthday, well IT’s my birthday too

Well my hubby let me sleep in…until12:30.  Man I must have been really tired. The problem came when my mom showed up. I knew she was coming since I had just seen her lastnight for my daughter Holiday program.  She said she would come around 1 and watch the kids and give me some money so Chris and I could go and have some fun.  First off we are in a small ass town that we just got a Starbucks this year.  I know like 10 years behind the times.  But we went out since it was a chance to get away from the kids.  Which I needed dearly.  So Chris took me to a nice mexican resturant since I’ve dying to have some for awhile.  Then we were going to watch a movie but they either had just started or wasn’t starting for another 2 hours.  My mom has to be at work early tomorrow so she didn’t want to stay that long since she lives a hour away. So we went to Wal-Mart and decided to buy a movie and make a movie night out of it.  Well we failed to find a movie that we all wanted to see and the kids could watch so I decided that we would buy a game. I bought myself Name that Tune 80’s Edition.  and the kids Clue.  Since we got back to the house early I made my mom stay and play name that tune with me.  Now for someone that was born in 79 and a little kid in the 80’s and a woman who was my age now in the 80’s I thought she would kick my ass and Chris who basically only liestens to the 80’s music would kick both our ass, it was I that was the Victor.  It came down between me and my mom and during the sudden death match I thought I was a goner then out of now where The Sex Pistols came on and I knew within 2 seconds that it was “should I stay or should I go now” and with that I was the master of the 80’s.  Then my dear mom had to leave to go a see my nephews who spent the whole day decorating their house for christmas which my sister will redo because she in a anal-retintive loser.  (you know I’m just teasing shelly, it’s Stacy that’s anal)  anyways after she left we watched Iceage2 which was more for Chris I think, since the kids spent the whole time running around the house playing and Chris yelling at them to be quite because he couldn’t hear the movie.  I spent the time writting my Christmas Cards.  (if you don’t recieve one it’s either because I don’t have your address or I won’t mail them out because I will forget about them and won’t remember where I put them and then in the middle of July they will come out of hidding )  Igave the movie a ***  rating.  Good for adults but a little too boring for kids maybe for the 10 year olds and up.  After the movie we dove into the game of Clue.  Now this is my kind of kids game murder, suspects and little weapons it spells fun too me.  The first game went to Chris but that’s only because he cheats he was looking where Payton was marking her list when  Ishowed her my card.  The next game went to me only because I watched where Chris was marking his list after Payton showed him a card.  (it tottaly different because I wasn’t cheating from a little kid, chris should have known better to turn around to mark his list)  actually I think he was wanting to end the game since the boys couldn’t play so where messing with the board and driving us nuts.  After the game I sent the kids to bed and Chris complained of a headache and went to bed so I guess so birthday spanking’s for me NOW THAT SUCKS!!!!


I miss my sleep

Well I actually get 8 hours of sleep it’s just not at night.  I’m a night owl always have been.  I hate the morning. I lay in bed at night and will be wide awake.  I can’t get to sleep. I’ve been up till 4 in the morning this last week or two. Then I don’t get till 11-12 in the morning.  Caleb sleeps that late anyways. He takes after me. Grayson and Payton on the other hand get up at like 7:30 in the morning.  they are freaks and I’m kinda scared.  Now when Payton has shool I do get up get her on her bus, but I’m back in bed once the door shuts.  Grayson just pretty much sits on my bed and watched cartoons and eats his ceral.  Chris gets pissed off because it keeps me from doing stuff around the house. Now we live in a single wide trailor.  It doesn’t more then 15 min to clean any room in this place.  Plus this is the man that when ever we went to anyones house would sit down and fall asleep. they call him sleepy at work and I don’t know how many people tell me that they have never seen anyone actually fall asleep while in a middle of a conversation.  He has been tested for all the sleeping disorders and all came back negative.  They just said that he gets bored and falls asleep. I on the other hand have been dignosed with insomnia and tried taking all these sleeping pill which just made me holucinate.  Chris actually asked me to stop taking them because he  couldn’t handle me when I did..  I would talk to people that weren’t there and I stared at the numbers on my clock because they were swerling at me and my sheets were waving above me it was all really cool to me but it kept hubby up all night.  So now I just let him go to bed and wait till I get tired enough or force myself to fall asleep.  But man it’s hard there are some pretty good paid ads at 2 in the morning on to miss


she wore a itsy bitsy

WEll you know the rest of the song. But I was just checking out my messages over at myspace and seen that my lovely 14 year old niece has changed her pic. Before it was a nice little face shot, nothing to reviling.  BUT now it’s her standing at the top of some stairs in a string bikini.  Now i’m not one that thinks you should wrap her in a robe head to toe, but I mean if my daughter had a picture like that up on a myspace account I would be picking out her tombstone because her dad will have killed her.  The main problem I have is that she has been busted once for having a profile up saying shes was 18 and doing a pouty face.  Then she added me when I started up to stay in contact with susie and find old friends to find that her new profile said she was 17.  I have been giving her a hard time about that and she finally changed it to 14.  My problem is should I tell my sister and brother-in-law that his daughter has this picture up?  Which if he sees it she might as well say goodbye to freedom because he is very protetive.  I need help I will be at my sister’s for thanksgiving should I just casualy just show her my profile and let her notice the picture herself?  Need some advice thanks all


Ouch!! stop stabbing me with that needle

Well I went to see my DR today to tell him that my knee and back are still bothering me. So what does he do, He gives me a Cortizone shot in my knee.  First off I hate needles, I would never make it as a druggie just for that.  Plus that shot really hurts.  He told me that my knee will be really sore tomorrow oh yea!! But if it feels better after that and the pain doesn’t come back that is good because it was just inflamed. If it feels better then starts hurting again then the tear on my MCL legement could be worse and not healing, and if the pain is still there and doesn’t feel better after tomorrow then the pain is coming from somewhere other then the joint.  I know all confussing.  But hey this means that I won’t have to work on my Birthday and maybe Christmas which will be cool. 

I think my sister is mad at me because I asked her if her son could stay home today to watch the kids.  Payton is out of school all week for teacher confrences and Thanksgiving.  and Grayson and Caleb aren’t in school yet which sucks because it is such a inconvience.  The state claims that my kids are to young to stay home by themselves. what do they know,  they know how the TV works and can call 911 I think they are good to go. 

well off to PT again talk to you all later